So we'll have to try again next month. My cramps this month were pretty bad but last month I don't remember being in ANY pain. This month my period and cramps came when Jason had to fly out of town last minute but somehow I managed. I just wish I didn't have to "manage." I wish I could be a normal woman who gets her period, doesn't have to worry about staining anything she sits on and doesn't worry about how to get out of bed due to the pain. For that to happen though, I'll have to give up my ovaries and uterus.
A friend of mine found out that she has breast cancer. She's my age! She's 27 years old.
Anyway, this got me thinking about what I would do if I were ever told the words, "you have breast cancer." Or rather, it got me thinking about what I'd like to THINK I'd do given the situation.
Personally I think I'd tell the doctor right then and there that they needed to remove both breasts, no matter their recommendation and I'd get falsies put in. I don't know why, but I don't think I'd feel ANY less of a woman for not having my real breasts. However, I feel as if my life would be over if I didn't have my ovaries or uterus. Even though it's my reproductive organs that are causing me so much pain. I suppose I'm grateful for the fact that even though my reproductive organs aren't working the way they are INTENDED to work, at least I still have them? I guess it goes back to having that sliver of hope.
So...there will be no 2009 baby. I've got another 12 months to somehow make a 2010 baby. Here's to trying!
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Monday, April 6, 2009
Ehh...
I don't know what's going on this month. Sorry about the visual, but we had sex like bunny rabbits during my fertile time and I KNOW I ovulated, thanks to using the OPK's but my temps have been all over the place this entire month. We're talking up, down, up, down. Literally. There is no rhyme or reason for my temps and I've taken a pg test already, which was of course very early and it obviously came back negative (or else I think the title of this post would be something a lil more than "Ehh"). Oddly enough, I'm not really upset this month. Weird. This month, I don't know what it is...maybe the fact that I've had absolutely NO signs. NO hope. See...I'm starting to think that this No Hope thing could work out in my emotional favor. The less hope you have in something, the less it hurts when it doesn't happen.
Teela's No Hope Fertility Method
for those emotionally unstable ttc-ers
Just send in all of your hopes and dreams, along with $49.95 (FREE shipping and handling) and your truly will eliminate all unwanted hopes and dreams.
for those emotionally unstable ttc-ers
Just send in all of your hopes and dreams, along with $49.95 (FREE shipping and handling) and your truly will eliminate all unwanted hopes and dreams.
Monday, March 30, 2009
5 days down, 5 to go.
Here we go again....will this month be THE MONTH?!?!?
I'll be testing in another 5 days.
No, I'm not waiting until my official test date. I'm too impatient to wait the full 14 days, so I'll wait 10 days.
My temps this month have been very erratic, I don't know what to expect. Also, I had sick babies that I had to co-sleep with so I wasn't able to get an accurate temp those days. We'll see. Only time will tell, I suppose. Nothing to do but wait.
I'll be testing in another 5 days.
No, I'm not waiting until my official test date. I'm too impatient to wait the full 14 days, so I'll wait 10 days.
My temps this month have been very erratic, I don't know what to expect. Also, I had sick babies that I had to co-sleep with so I wasn't able to get an accurate temp those days. We'll see. Only time will tell, I suppose. Nothing to do but wait.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
I'm Not Done
I think that's going to be my motto for this round of ttc.
I'M NOT DONE.
There have been many people who have in one way or another told me that they would be happy with just ONE baby. Or in their own way, they tell Jason and I that they don't understand why we'd want more kids. It's hard not to take these comments as insults but then again I need to realize that talking about having children is probably one of the most sensitive subjects to talk with me about. That does not mean that I don't like to talk about it! Trust me, I'll talk more about it than you'd ever be interested in. But after all we've been through with infertility, it's a touchy subject to say the least. I know that these people are just trying to say, "Hey! Be happy for the two wonderful blessings you have in your life right now!!" and trust me, I DO enjoy them. VERY much. And when I'm spending time with them, ttc a baby is literally the farthest thing in my mind. It's when they got to bed. It's during their nap time during the day and in the morning before I get them out of their cribs. It's the brief moments I have alone in the bathroom. And trust me, in my alone time, my thoughts are consumed.
"Could I be?"
"I felt a little twitch!"
"Should I test?"
"Maybe I just tested too early and that's why it's negative."
"Please be a false negative. Please."
"I can't do this anymore."
****************************************************************************
I grew up with a brother who was 5 years younger than me and a sister who was 12 years younger than me. Growing up, I have to say that I was extremely close to both my brother AND my sister. We didn't have much at all growing up, we all lived as a family of 5 in a very small 2 bedroom, 1 bad home but I never once wished that I didn't have my brother or my sister. Sure there were times that I wished we'd win the lotto so I might be able to have my own room...but that's about it. I LOVED having someone I knew I could trust to share my secrets with and I was lucky. My brother and sister are great secret keepers. I had a rough childhood, that's never been debatable but I have never ever lacked love and I think having my brother and sister helped me become more loving.
Jason was born and had major medical issues with his heart. I just can't even begin to explain the pain and torture his mom went through having a son so sick. He didn't just become her life....he took over every little thing. She literally had to live and breathe Jason. And with a child who needs as many open heart surgeries as Jason needed, and as much constant 24/7 care that he needed, I don't believe having another child was anything Diane ever considered (though I've never asked her). And I don't blame her one bit. I can't imagine having to go through what she went through as a mother and I pray that I never have to. So needless to say, Jason grew up as an only child. His mom and dad of course played with him all the time...but he's confided to me that he wished he had a brother or sister. That being said, he says he doesn't know how his mother would have had the time to deal with another child...so he knows in the end she did what was best for him.
Obviously I don't have to worry about my kids being only children. They came two at a time to start with. I'm not sure how this whole twin thing is going to work for them in the future. I'm sure part of them will really enjoy always having a partner in crime, a friend on their side. And part of me knows that they will also get annoyed and completely bored with one another.
I just really want a large family with lots of kids. I want to someday be a Nana to MANY. I want to live a long, rich life with a large family and something deep inside of me knows that I am not done having kids. I'm not done adding to our family.
I'm not naive enough to think that I'll actually be able to conceive these children and carry them myself, as getting pregnant is not an easy feat for me. We might have to go about it another way but that's going to have to be a long way off. I still have to get my husband on board with the whole adoption thing. Until then we'll be knocking boots and trying the old fashioned way.
There have been many people who have in one way or another told me that they would be happy with just ONE baby. Or in their own way, they tell Jason and I that they don't understand why we'd want more kids. It's hard not to take these comments as insults but then again I need to realize that talking about having children is probably one of the most sensitive subjects to talk with me about. That does not mean that I don't like to talk about it! Trust me, I'll talk more about it than you'd ever be interested in. But after all we've been through with infertility, it's a touchy subject to say the least. I know that these people are just trying to say, "Hey! Be happy for the two wonderful blessings you have in your life right now!!" and trust me, I DO enjoy them. VERY much. And when I'm spending time with them, ttc a baby is literally the farthest thing in my mind. It's when they got to bed. It's during their nap time during the day and in the morning before I get them out of their cribs. It's the brief moments I have alone in the bathroom. And trust me, in my alone time, my thoughts are consumed.
"Could I be?"
"I felt a little twitch!"
"Should I test?"
"Maybe I just tested too early and that's why it's negative."
"Please be a false negative. Please."
"I can't do this anymore."
****************************************************************************
I grew up with a brother who was 5 years younger than me and a sister who was 12 years younger than me. Growing up, I have to say that I was extremely close to both my brother AND my sister. We didn't have much at all growing up, we all lived as a family of 5 in a very small 2 bedroom, 1 bad home but I never once wished that I didn't have my brother or my sister. Sure there were times that I wished we'd win the lotto so I might be able to have my own room...but that's about it. I LOVED having someone I knew I could trust to share my secrets with and I was lucky. My brother and sister are great secret keepers. I had a rough childhood, that's never been debatable but I have never ever lacked love and I think having my brother and sister helped me become more loving.
Jason was born and had major medical issues with his heart. I just can't even begin to explain the pain and torture his mom went through having a son so sick. He didn't just become her life....he took over every little thing. She literally had to live and breathe Jason. And with a child who needs as many open heart surgeries as Jason needed, and as much constant 24/7 care that he needed, I don't believe having another child was anything Diane ever considered (though I've never asked her). And I don't blame her one bit. I can't imagine having to go through what she went through as a mother and I pray that I never have to. So needless to say, Jason grew up as an only child. His mom and dad of course played with him all the time...but he's confided to me that he wished he had a brother or sister. That being said, he says he doesn't know how his mother would have had the time to deal with another child...so he knows in the end she did what was best for him.
Obviously I don't have to worry about my kids being only children. They came two at a time to start with. I'm not sure how this whole twin thing is going to work for them in the future. I'm sure part of them will really enjoy always having a partner in crime, a friend on their side. And part of me knows that they will also get annoyed and completely bored with one another.
I just really want a large family with lots of kids. I want to someday be a Nana to MANY. I want to live a long, rich life with a large family and something deep inside of me knows that I am not done having kids. I'm not done adding to our family.
I'm not naive enough to think that I'll actually be able to conceive these children and carry them myself, as getting pregnant is not an easy feat for me. We might have to go about it another way but that's going to have to be a long way off. I still have to get my husband on board with the whole adoption thing. Until then we'll be knocking boots and trying the old fashioned way.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
With BLOG Number Three
Maybe third time's a charm, eh?
Some of you may or may not know (because I never know how many people out there actually read my blogs) that I have two other blogs. One is just for updates about my friends and family. One is a complete work in progress and more recently I've felt the need to make one that's just for ME. It's not about what the kids are saying, eating, the color of their poo, or anything like that. Just me and my raw feelings and emotions. I warn you in advance, I'm not going to be putting much time and effort in censorship. Not with this blog.
We've been ttc (trying to conceive for all of you fertile myrtle's out there (o; ) for nearly a year this time around. Infertility is nothing new to us. It took us over 2 years before we became pregnant with our twin sons and they now are nearly 2 years old! So we are no stranger to the up's and down's of trying for a baby. Been there, done that and we had the unpleasant experience of having to pay for an IVF attempt that wasn't covered by insurance and was unsuccessful.
I can't say that things this time around are harder, if I'm being completely honest. At least this time around I've got two very loud and boisterous boys running amuck. I no longer have a quiet, empty home. I have two very loving and handsome boys who come running up to me for hugs and kisses ALL DAY LONG. And not a day goes by where I take either one of them for granted. Sure, I'm a mom. I make mistakes. I have bad days. I have LOTS of bad days. I get stressed. But all it takes to turn my day right back around is an honest to goodness belly laugh from the kiddos. That heals all wounds, at least temporarily.
That doesn't mean it's not hard. It's still really tough. I can't fall apart during the day like I did before I had kids. I have to keep up a strong face for them. I can't let them see me so sad and depressed all the time. I refuse to let them see me become a bitter and cold person. So it's a fine line I walk.
My body and my heart know that I am not done having children. How can I be? After seeing all the joy and wonder that Jackson and Aiden bring to our lives, how could I not want that again? And it's not that I just want to keep getting pregnant over and over and over again and be a baby factory, but with my severe endometriosis, I don't have as long as most women do to have children. I know that one day I'm going to have to give in, give up and have a total hysterectomy. This scares the shit out of me.
That being said, it's something I've been thinking about more and more lately. Maybe my body is just not meant to be pregnant. I just want to live a pain free life. I hate living in fear for the next month to come because I know there will be unbearable pain. Pain...which brings me to my next point.
Hope. For me, hope=pain. Each month gets harder and harder. Each month, I get more and more hopeful and I really wish I could stop it because each month, I get let down harder and harder. I'm at the point where I feel I'm being STOMPED down each month.
If my ovaries and my uterus and my fallopian tubes and all things reproductive were taken away from me...I'd have no hope. There would be no possible way. So I KNOW that it wouldn't be as painful for me each month. I'm at a point where this almost sounds pleasant. And that scares me.
I think the decision would be MUCH easier if I knew that Jason was willing to adopt. He was last time...and look what happened! We got pregnant. Ugh. Just saying that sounds stupid. Either way, Jason isn't sure that he'd be able to love "someone else's child" as much as he loves J&A. Even though I know this wouldn't be true, I have to respect his feelings. I have to let him come around to it on his own time. This is nothing that can be pushed upon someone or something that someone should be guilt tripped into. He's just not there yet, so I'll have to wait.
Meanwhile, here we go again. Down the long and painful road of infertility. I'm not looking forward to it this time.
Some of you may or may not know (because I never know how many people out there actually read my blogs) that I have two other blogs. One is just for updates about my friends and family. One is a complete work in progress and more recently I've felt the need to make one that's just for ME. It's not about what the kids are saying, eating, the color of their poo, or anything like that. Just me and my raw feelings and emotions. I warn you in advance, I'm not going to be putting much time and effort in censorship. Not with this blog.
We've been ttc (trying to conceive for all of you fertile myrtle's out there (o; ) for nearly a year this time around. Infertility is nothing new to us. It took us over 2 years before we became pregnant with our twin sons and they now are nearly 2 years old! So we are no stranger to the up's and down's of trying for a baby. Been there, done that and we had the unpleasant experience of having to pay for an IVF attempt that wasn't covered by insurance and was unsuccessful.
I can't say that things this time around are harder, if I'm being completely honest. At least this time around I've got two very loud and boisterous boys running amuck. I no longer have a quiet, empty home. I have two very loving and handsome boys who come running up to me for hugs and kisses ALL DAY LONG. And not a day goes by where I take either one of them for granted. Sure, I'm a mom. I make mistakes. I have bad days. I have LOTS of bad days. I get stressed. But all it takes to turn my day right back around is an honest to goodness belly laugh from the kiddos. That heals all wounds, at least temporarily.
That doesn't mean it's not hard. It's still really tough. I can't fall apart during the day like I did before I had kids. I have to keep up a strong face for them. I can't let them see me so sad and depressed all the time. I refuse to let them see me become a bitter and cold person. So it's a fine line I walk.
My body and my heart know that I am not done having children. How can I be? After seeing all the joy and wonder that Jackson and Aiden bring to our lives, how could I not want that again? And it's not that I just want to keep getting pregnant over and over and over again and be a baby factory, but with my severe endometriosis, I don't have as long as most women do to have children. I know that one day I'm going to have to give in, give up and have a total hysterectomy. This scares the shit out of me.
That being said, it's something I've been thinking about more and more lately. Maybe my body is just not meant to be pregnant. I just want to live a pain free life. I hate living in fear for the next month to come because I know there will be unbearable pain. Pain...which brings me to my next point.
Hope. For me, hope=pain. Each month gets harder and harder. Each month, I get more and more hopeful and I really wish I could stop it because each month, I get let down harder and harder. I'm at the point where I feel I'm being STOMPED down each month.
If my ovaries and my uterus and my fallopian tubes and all things reproductive were taken away from me...I'd have no hope. There would be no possible way. So I KNOW that it wouldn't be as painful for me each month. I'm at a point where this almost sounds pleasant. And that scares me.
I think the decision would be MUCH easier if I knew that Jason was willing to adopt. He was last time...and look what happened! We got pregnant. Ugh. Just saying that sounds stupid. Either way, Jason isn't sure that he'd be able to love "someone else's child" as much as he loves J&A. Even though I know this wouldn't be true, I have to respect his feelings. I have to let him come around to it on his own time. This is nothing that can be pushed upon someone or something that someone should be guilt tripped into. He's just not there yet, so I'll have to wait.
Meanwhile, here we go again. Down the long and painful road of infertility. I'm not looking forward to it this time.
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