With BLOG Number Three

Maybe third time's a charm, eh?

Some of you may or may not know (because I never know how many people out there actually read my blogs) that I have two other blogs. One is just for updates about my friends and family. One is a complete work in progress and more recently I've felt the need to make one that's just for ME. It's not about what the kids are saying, eating, the color of their poo, or anything like that. Just me and my raw feelings and emotions. I warn you in advance, I'm not going to be putting much time and effort in censorship. Not with this blog.

We've been ttc (trying to conceive for all of you fertile myrtle's out there (o; ) for nearly a year this time around. Infertility is nothing new to us. It took us over 2 years before we became pregnant with our twin sons and they now are nearly 2 years old! So we are no stranger to the up's and down's of trying for a baby. Been there, done that and we had the unpleasant experience of having to pay for an IVF attempt that wasn't covered by insurance and was unsuccessful.

I can't say that things this time around are harder, if I'm being completely honest. At least this time around I've got two very loud and boisterous boys running amuck. I no longer have a quiet, empty home. I have two very loving and handsome boys who come running up to me for hugs and kisses ALL DAY LONG. And not a day goes by where I take either one of them for granted. Sure, I'm a mom. I make mistakes. I have bad days. I have LOTS of bad days. I get stressed. But all it takes to turn my day right back around is an honest to goodness belly laugh from the kiddos. That heals all wounds, at least temporarily.

That doesn't mean it's not hard. It's still really tough. I can't fall apart during the day like I did before I had kids. I have to keep up a strong face for them. I can't let them see me so sad and depressed all the time. I refuse to let them see me become a bitter and cold person. So it's a fine line I walk.

My body and my heart know that I am not done having children. How can I be? After seeing all the joy and wonder that Jackson and Aiden bring to our lives, how could I not want that again? And it's not that I just want to keep getting pregnant over and over and over again and be a baby factory, but with my severe endometriosis, I don't have as long as most women do to have children. I know that one day I'm going to have to give in, give up and have a total hysterectomy. This scares the shit out of me.

That being said, it's something I've been thinking about more and more lately. Maybe my body is just not meant to be pregnant. I just want to live a pain free life. I hate living in fear for the next month to come because I know there will be unbearable pain. Pain...which brings me to my next point.

Hope. For me, hope=pain. Each month gets harder and harder. Each month, I get more and more hopeful and I really wish I could stop it because each month, I get let down harder and harder. I'm at the point where I feel I'm being STOMPED down each month.

If my ovaries and my uterus and my fallopian tubes and all things reproductive were taken away from me...I'd have no hope. There would be no possible way. So I KNOW that it wouldn't be as painful for me each month. I'm at a point where this almost sounds pleasant. And that scares me.

I think the decision would be MUCH easier if I knew that Jason was willing to adopt. He was last time...and look what happened! We got pregnant. Ugh. Just saying that sounds stupid. Either way, Jason isn't sure that he'd be able to love "someone else's child" as much as he loves J&A. Even though I know this wouldn't be true, I have to respect his feelings. I have to let him come around to it on his own time. This is nothing that can be pushed upon someone or something that someone should be guilt tripped into. He's just not there yet, so I'll have to wait.

Meanwhile, here we go again. Down the long and painful road of infertility. I'm not looking forward to it this time.