I'M NOT DONE.
There have been many people who have in one way or another told me that they would be happy with just ONE baby. Or in their own way, they tell Jason and I that they don't understand why we'd want more kids. It's hard not to take these comments as insults but then again I need to realize that talking about having children is probably one of the most sensitive subjects to talk with me about. That does not mean that I don't like to talk about it! Trust me, I'll talk more about it than you'd ever be interested in. But after all we've been through with infertility, it's a touchy subject to say the least. I know that these people are just trying to say, "Hey! Be happy for the two wonderful blessings you have in your life right now!!" and trust me, I DO enjoy them. VERY much. And when I'm spending time with them, ttc a baby is literally the farthest thing in my mind. It's when they got to bed. It's during their nap time during the day and in the morning before I get them out of their cribs. It's the brief moments I have alone in the bathroom. And trust me, in my alone time, my thoughts are consumed.
"Could I be?"
"I felt a little twitch!"
"Should I test?"
"Maybe I just tested too early and that's why it's negative."
"Please be a false negative. Please."
"I can't do this anymore."
****************************************************************************
I grew up with a brother who was 5 years younger than me and a sister who was 12 years younger than me. Growing up, I have to say that I was extremely close to both my brother AND my sister. We didn't have much at all growing up, we all lived as a family of 5 in a very small 2 bedroom, 1 bad home but I never once wished that I didn't have my brother or my sister. Sure there were times that I wished we'd win the lotto so I might be able to have my own room...but that's about it. I LOVED having someone I knew I could trust to share my secrets with and I was lucky. My brother and sister are great secret keepers. I had a rough childhood, that's never been debatable but I have never ever lacked love and I think having my brother and sister helped me become more loving.
Jason was born and had major medical issues with his heart. I just can't even begin to explain the pain and torture his mom went through having a son so sick. He didn't just become her life....he took over every little thing. She literally had to live and breathe Jason. And with a child who needs as many open heart surgeries as Jason needed, and as much constant 24/7 care that he needed, I don't believe having another child was anything Diane ever considered (though I've never asked her). And I don't blame her one bit. I can't imagine having to go through what she went through as a mother and I pray that I never have to. So needless to say, Jason grew up as an only child. His mom and dad of course played with him all the time...but he's confided to me that he wished he had a brother or sister. That being said, he says he doesn't know how his mother would have had the time to deal with another child...so he knows in the end she did what was best for him.
Obviously I don't have to worry about my kids being only children. They came two at a time to start with. I'm not sure how this whole twin thing is going to work for them in the future. I'm sure part of them will really enjoy always having a partner in crime, a friend on their side. And part of me knows that they will also get annoyed and completely bored with one another.
I just really want a large family with lots of kids. I want to someday be a Nana to MANY. I want to live a long, rich life with a large family and something deep inside of me knows that I am not done having kids. I'm not done adding to our family.
I'm not naive enough to think that I'll actually be able to conceive these children and carry them myself, as getting pregnant is not an easy feat for me. We might have to go about it another way but that's going to have to be a long way off. I still have to get my husband on board with the whole adoption thing. Until then we'll be knocking boots and trying the old fashioned way.
There have been many people who have in one way or another told me that they would be happy with just ONE baby. Or in their own way, they tell Jason and I that they don't understand why we'd want more kids. It's hard not to take these comments as insults but then again I need to realize that talking about having children is probably one of the most sensitive subjects to talk with me about. That does not mean that I don't like to talk about it! Trust me, I'll talk more about it than you'd ever be interested in. But after all we've been through with infertility, it's a touchy subject to say the least. I know that these people are just trying to say, "Hey! Be happy for the two wonderful blessings you have in your life right now!!" and trust me, I DO enjoy them. VERY much. And when I'm spending time with them, ttc a baby is literally the farthest thing in my mind. It's when they got to bed. It's during their nap time during the day and in the morning before I get them out of their cribs. It's the brief moments I have alone in the bathroom. And trust me, in my alone time, my thoughts are consumed.
"Could I be?"
"I felt a little twitch!"
"Should I test?"
"Maybe I just tested too early and that's why it's negative."
"Please be a false negative. Please."
"I can't do this anymore."
****************************************************************************
I grew up with a brother who was 5 years younger than me and a sister who was 12 years younger than me. Growing up, I have to say that I was extremely close to both my brother AND my sister. We didn't have much at all growing up, we all lived as a family of 5 in a very small 2 bedroom, 1 bad home but I never once wished that I didn't have my brother or my sister. Sure there were times that I wished we'd win the lotto so I might be able to have my own room...but that's about it. I LOVED having someone I knew I could trust to share my secrets with and I was lucky. My brother and sister are great secret keepers. I had a rough childhood, that's never been debatable but I have never ever lacked love and I think having my brother and sister helped me become more loving.
Jason was born and had major medical issues with his heart. I just can't even begin to explain the pain and torture his mom went through having a son so sick. He didn't just become her life....he took over every little thing. She literally had to live and breathe Jason. And with a child who needs as many open heart surgeries as Jason needed, and as much constant 24/7 care that he needed, I don't believe having another child was anything Diane ever considered (though I've never asked her). And I don't blame her one bit. I can't imagine having to go through what she went through as a mother and I pray that I never have to. So needless to say, Jason grew up as an only child. His mom and dad of course played with him all the time...but he's confided to me that he wished he had a brother or sister. That being said, he says he doesn't know how his mother would have had the time to deal with another child...so he knows in the end she did what was best for him.
Obviously I don't have to worry about my kids being only children. They came two at a time to start with. I'm not sure how this whole twin thing is going to work for them in the future. I'm sure part of them will really enjoy always having a partner in crime, a friend on their side. And part of me knows that they will also get annoyed and completely bored with one another.
I just really want a large family with lots of kids. I want to someday be a Nana to MANY. I want to live a long, rich life with a large family and something deep inside of me knows that I am not done having kids. I'm not done adding to our family.
I'm not naive enough to think that I'll actually be able to conceive these children and carry them myself, as getting pregnant is not an easy feat for me. We might have to go about it another way but that's going to have to be a long way off. I still have to get my husband on board with the whole adoption thing. Until then we'll be knocking boots and trying the old fashioned way.
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